It is the deepest corner of the night. The only sound is the gentle click of the air conditioner as it struggles to compete with the late July coastal heat. My eyes pop open as remnants of a pleasant dream evaporate before I can recall the subject. I know what time it is as I try to focus my contact-free eyes on the bedside clock, thankful that the dial is illuminated and huge.
It is 3:15 am and I am, once again, hunting Boogey Bears.
Like Goldilocks, I have Big Bears, Medium Bears and Baby Bears. Hers are fairy-tale cute; mine are big, black and scary.
I click off a quick inventory of those I hold dear – husband, Dennis, snoring lightly beside me; son, Drew, in the next room sleeping the teenager sleep that will last at least another nine hours; mother at home with my brother and his family visiting from south Mississippi; and my other two children – niece, April, at home with her family and nephew, Brandon, working a summer job and house-sitting at our house.
Two or three nights a week for the past several years at precisely 3:15 am when the world is at its most peaceful, I am suddenly jerked from a deep slumber as my mind comes alive with worries, fears and personal Boogey Bears. Even a wonderful beach vacation – such as the one we are enjoying this week – does not keep the Boogey Bears at bay. Worry, doubt, fear – those things do not take a vacation.I slip quietly out of bed so as not to disturb my astonishingly worry-free husband. Without turning on a light, I find my way through the unfamiliar vacation condo to my favorite place. Sliding the cool glass balcony door open, I immediately hear the gentle waves of the ocean splashing against the shoreline like a love song. Finally tamed after three days of stormy weather, the sea seems to share my emotions. Calm, but reflective. Peaceful, but waiting for the next storm to come.
I am a worry wart by nature. My daddy used to say that if I couldn’t find something to worry about, I would worry about not having something to worry about.
I think about the Big Bears – Will my child make the right decisions in his life? Will he find something he loves to do? Will he find a Christian girl and have a happy family life? Is my mother okay after losing the love of her life, my dad, six months ago? Is my husband’s health good? Are we financially prepared for Drew’s education? Is he emotionally prepared for college? How can I help April as she struggles through nursing school? Should Brandon go ahead and get his masters now or work a while and go back?
The Medium Bears: Am I doing the best I can do at a job I love? Should we continue with the antique store that my dad loved? How am I going to reach my sales goal next month with the congress acting so crazy?
The Baby Bears: Weight Watchers or Diet Center? Is that new skin care regiment working for me? Where did that wrinkle come from? Can I find my treadmill under all those clothes? We all need to eat better….did I remember to get ice cream at the grocery yesterday?
My mind whirls with thoughts and plans and decisions. I pride myself on being a “take control” kind of gal. My dad told me many years ago that I could do anything I put my mine to – and I believed him. But, in the wee hours of the morning when even the sun is sleeping peacefully, I’m chasing Boogey Bears disguised as fear, doubt, dread, regret. I am faced again with the fact that my greatest strength – my strong, self sufficient personality – is also my greatest weakness. So often I am so determined to need no one that I forget that THE ONE is the only way to chase the Boogey Bears away. I can handle this one, Lord, I often think. I’ll just wait to call on You when I make a real mess of things and get really desperate, I tell Him.
I remind myself of my favorite Bible verse: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
As someone in the home building business, I can also relate to this one: “…He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation on the rock; and when a flood occurred, the torrent burst against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.” (Luke 6:48)
Jesus did not say, hey, build a good house on a firm foundation and it will never flood or burn or have plumbing problems. We all have worries and problems and tragedy in our lives. He did not say that we should take care of ourselves and just bother him when the big bears come out. But, he did say that if we have our foundation built on Him, we don’t have to fear the Boogey Bears. It is truly not the bad stuff that happens in our lives that matters – because bad stuff does happen. It is how we deal with the big bad bears that matters. Do we attempt to handle the bears all on our own or do we trust God’s plan for our lives and have faith in him?
I think of the equation that my GA teacher at the First Baptist Church in Senatobia used to tell us: Fear + Trust = Faith.
I remind myself (Again!!) of His promises. Alas, I am simply and utterly human.
Gulping a big lungful of the cool, salty morning air, I take one final look into the ocean’s depths and slip back into my warm and peaceful bed assured that, for tonight, the Boogey Bears have been pushed back into their cages and I am safe.
